One Liners
- I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "what's up Abdul, won't it start?"
- Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
- An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurance in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway!
- The Government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one at one end and no responsibility at the other.
- In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one group of the citizens to give to the other. - Voltaire (1764)
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts
- Will Rogers- LEXIPHILES: WHOEVER PUT THIS TOGETHER LOVES LANGUAGE:
- To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
- When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
- A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
- When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.
- The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
- The batteries were given out free of charge.
- A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
- A will is a dead giveaway.
- If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
- With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
- Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
- You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
- Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
- A boiled egg is hard to beat.
- When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
- Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
- Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
- If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
- A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
- In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
- When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
- The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
- He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
- When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
- Acupuncture: a jab well done.
- I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.
I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!
the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, Bring him in. We'll check it out.
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?
Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, 10,000 Shekels on Goliath
Government's view of the economy could be summed up
in a few short phrases:
If it moves, tax it.
If it keeps moving, regulate it.
And If it stops moving, subsidize it.
-Ronald Reagan (1986)
Headlines that never quite made it
Except this first one which actually did!!Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one was caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and the Editorial Room was called and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
No comment
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
I can understand them...
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial
War Dims Hope for Peace
It's possible to see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!