In it for Donuts
By Cal O. Reez
Elie Klein received international fame with his 3rd annual Dollarz4Donuts megamunchathon this year. Purim Parody Paper editors sent an investigative reporter to find out how Eli’s doing these post-Chanuka daze. Here is the report:
“Hey, I’m no slouch when it comes to Jewish values,” the former Baltimorean Klein says between each spit ‘n rinse at his dentist’s office. “My dentist is part of the team, blessing me for every intact tooth left in my mouth. My general practitioner alerted the World Health Organization that apparently, calories have little effect on me. My glucose levels are sort of elevated but my belt’s only one notch bigger. I made plenty of room for oznay haman [ED: hamantaschen to the Hebrew-impaired] for Purim time.”
Women around the world are wondering “HOW does he do it?” They’re disappointed to know that Mrs. Leezy Leibtag-Klein declines to let them stand on her home bathroom scale. “It’s for us to know and everyone else to wonder at the miracle,” she replied to PPP’s persistent pestering.
Elie raised NIS 52,005.20 for 44 causes and charities around the world [ED: that’s a lotta sheks for some friers] by swallowing 105 mouth-watering Israeli donuts in various flavors from caramel to vanilla with his Dough for Donuts campaign. Ya think this rag can’t get its facts straight? We do real research! See Facebook
Sufganiyot count: 105! (23 caramel, 64 jelly, 5 vanilla, 10 chocolate, 3 custard)
- Charities/Causes: 83
- Sponsors/Donors: 129
- Amount raised per sufganiya: roughly NIS 414.00 (does not include one-time donations)
- Total raised: NIS 52,005.20 (does include one-time donations)
[ED: sufganiya = 1 donut, sufganiyot = more than one, you Hebrew-challenged Jews who need to make aliya ASAP! C’mon and join the fun!]
Klein mentioned to PPP’s intrepid reporter that
Last year, I raised NIS 32,788. The year before that was just uncharitable gluttony.
Word on the street has it that Elie might seek out crème brulèe and cholent-flavored fare next year. “Why should the kids at Hogwarts have all the flavor-changing fun?” he asks. Then, with genuine seriousness on his usually smiling face, Klein states that “Or I might just retire my napkin and dunk cyber donuts in coffee next year.” The newly health-conscious man motioned to his wife to please stop dabbing at the powdered sugar and jelly stains on his tie.
Meanwhile, the National Institutes for Health and Public Welfare are channeling Klein’s metaphysical reality for clues to the cures for diabetes, high blood pressure and cardiac disease. “Considering the daunting tasks we face,” NIH spokeswoman Dr. N. Credulous tells PPP, “We must consider possibilities beyond the tried and true.” Dr. N. Credulous has enlisted the assistance of 100 kabalistic rabbis and several colleagues from the College of Hard Knocks. “They suffer from yo-yo weight gains and losses. Their motivation to solve several mysteries is high,” N. Credulous remarks with all due seriousness. “This is no game.”
Israeli donut makers and sellers are worried that Klein might keep his word about doing donuts online at future Chanuka seasons. Elie says
I get weird looks from the clerks in the small bakery where I buy my donuts every day. It's pretty clear that they’re counting on me buying those three or more sufganiyot day after day for all eight Chanuka days. My wife and I make a mad scramble to find sufganiyot every Motzei Shabbat. I never eat sufganiyot on Shabbat – even my stomach needs a rest – so I have to make up the day's quota on Saturday night. We never seem to figure out the baking schedules of the local bakeries and end up running from one to the next until we find what we’re looking for. It would make an excellent sitcom episode.
Tune in to next year’s Purim Parody (news)Paper update I’YH to learn the time, day and channel of the show. Purim sameakh!
GOD is in the Details: Investigative Report
by Ben R. Dunnat
An atheist was walking through the woods. He remarked to no one in particular, "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers!"
An hour or so later he said to himself "What beautiful animals!"
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'
Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny My Existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect Me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Jew now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Jew?"
"'Very Well," said the Still, Small Voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke: "Baruch atah HASHEM ELOKAYNU Melech HaOlam Shehako neyeh bidvaro."