בס"ד
Design.
Mute Button Passifier.
Photo by George Takei

Useful Advice

The best place to find a helping hand is at the end of your arm.

Tact is the art of recognising when to be big and when not to belittle.

Ben Zoma was right when he said Who is rich? Not one who has everything he wants but one who celebrates what he has.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. Woody Allen

The PPP staff unanimously agrees that "We're still trying to figure out when pakidim open windows all over the Holy Land and don't close them until customers are satisfied. We strongly encourage new olim and vatikim to carry aspirin and a fresh mug of hot coffee every time you need a bureaucrat. Why? So you can toss the aspirin at the passive-aggressive clerk giving everyone headaches as you sip coffee to stay awake until closing time the next day. We love Israel but not the bureaucracies in it. STOP changing the rules between every visit for goshsakes! Histadrut to you, too! Our sense of humor is on STRIKE!"

Dear Avraham and Sara,


Can this situation/person be Saved?

Dear Avraham and Sara,
I’m 10 years old and I don’t know what to do. I have all this great Purim stuff: cotton candy, candy buttons, pizza, hamantaschen, sodas, chips, chocolate and lots more. I want to keep it in my room (well, not the prune hamantaschen. I can give that to Gramma or Grampa) so I can eat it without my brothers and sisters (or my parents) stealing some for themselves.
My dad likes to let me have my way but mom’s neurotic or something. She goes crazy over crumbs. I can’t even leave the table before I put my dishes in the right sink and wipe up my place with a damp dishcloth. Mom cleans the whole house like she’s high on drugs or something for weeks before Pesach. She’ll never let me keep snacks in my room (I think British kids call it nash but in Boro Park it’s called nosh. Those “We’re better Jews than you are” kids who made aliya keep calling it mamtakim).
Dad asked me how much I enjoy getting filings from the dentist. He also says it’s not smart to mess with mom before Pesach. He offered to take my stack of stuff to his office. I know what’ll happen then. Can you help me?
Signed,
Hungry in my own home

Dear Hungry - you should live and be well m’mash a credit to all Am Yisrael biz a hunnert uhn tzvantzig ad meah v’essrim,
This is me, Avraham Avinu responding to your plea, cherished child. As you know, HaShem gave a potchenpoonem to Yaakov Avinu when he told Rivka to pray for her own children. He even gave tochacha to me, Avraham, when I disagreed with my wonderful aishet chayil Sara Imeinu when told me to toss Ishmael out of our holy ohel. Read The Moon’s Lost Light to know that the world really should be led by women, as it will be after biat Mashiach. I’ll defer to my wonderful Sara now, as she can best advise you.
AA

Dear Hungry Darling, the future of Our People, Your question is so poignant. I sense the thoughtfulness in your soul as you wonder how to prevent makhloket in your family.
Shalom bayit is so important to a Jewish home. I’d like to share some insight with you: women are very moser nefesh as we rush about changing diapers, answering phones and doorbells that go off at the same time (after we washed our hands with soap, water and a netilat yadayim cup), preparing 21 meals weekly – including some elegant feasts for at minimum 2-6 meals when you count Shabbat and chagim, plus we nurse wounds, play psychologist and keep everybody on schedule for school, work and play dates. It’s a wonder we have energy left to clean the house for Pesach, turn over the kitchen and cook 8 day’s worth of delicious food on newly toveled dishes. Then we squeeze in time for our office jobs. Oh my, I’m tired just thinking of it all.
Do your mother a favor. Eat everything outside. Stash your Purim stuff in re-sealable baggies placed inside a large wicker basket labeled “Dirty Clothes Hamper.” I promise you that not one person in your family will bother to look inside.
Well, mom will on laundry day. But you’ll have plenty to snack on until then. Your food and baggies will be spotlessly clean as she hands them back to you. Walk slowly to the trash cans and chomp as much candy as you can before tossing the rest into the garbage. Mom, your teeth and your family’s budget will be better off for your self-sacrifice. Work on those middot tovot, and make us prouder of you, to 120 puh-puh-poo.
Love,
SI

A Collection of Purim Parody (news) Paper Thoughts for a Better Life

Esther A.

‎"If at your age you still can't decide what you want to do without being afraid of what others will say, chances are you'll never be able to..." This is what I replied to a group of elderly women (ages 65 and above) when one told me how a friend of hers told her she should really lose some weight. So younger women out there, you think people will leave you be at some point... the correct answer is: DO NOT FOOL YOURSELF, they won't. For what it's worth, just DECIDE to love and accept who you are and it's OK to start right NOW ;)

Yocheved G.

I often share this thought: GOD created me. I am therefore important. Treat me with respect just as I do to you.

Jesica M.

Don't judge me until you have walked a mile in my shoes...and then give them RIGHT BACK cos i don't have another pair that goes with my green skirt!!!!!

Pie Chart.
Several male readers sent these thoughts in to the PPPaper:
Learn to read a map.
Buy your mom or wife flowers.
They make happy memories forever and ever and ever and… Chocolate’s good, too. But chocolate flowers are only good until she gets on the scale.
If your wife asks “Does this dress make me look fat?” tell her “I love you in that outfit! How could you even think that way?”
If you can’t make peace with a co-worker, move your desk and get an “unlisted number” in your head. Refuse to be their target. They can mess up their life while you go on with yours.


Do things with your kids. Share their ideas and feelings. Laugh with them, not at them. Teach them to be honest, brave and how to face bad guys. Show them how to behave responsibly. Teach them how to create solutions. Be the role model they need. Show them you love them and their mom. Do homework together. Look in their eyes and smile.

Advice From Our Children.


table of advice from kids.

(ED-For #20 we at PPP prefer the line "people looking for Barbie's shoes")

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